Not all betrayal’s are the same. Evidently you can betray someone and still love them, and of course you can betray someone that you hate. We don’t hear the B word used very much these days. People either double-cross, denounce, or cheat on one another, but betray?
According to Merriam-Webster, the word means, “to lead astray; to deliver to an enemy by treachery.” Or, “to fail or desert especially in time of need.”
Divorce is a kind of betrayal where someone who has pledged their love to another decides to bail. Of course failures to love are far more complex than any one word can convey. Divorce is a complex process of untethering that leaves lasting scares.
It’s been said that good marriages are the result of hard work. Sometimes really hard work. Well, a good divorce requires hard work too. Both the tethering and untethering of two lives is labor intense. In a perfect world divorce is an anomaly. In a broken world divorce is evidence we are not in a perfect world. But we should never view divorce as a perfect solution because even that is broken.
Writer, Ann Gold Buscho Ph.D., wrote an article for Psychology Today titled, “7 Reasons People Regret Divorce.” * According to her research, “A third to 80 percent of people regret divorcing after unexpected consequences. Really? You mean divorce isn’t as easy as just walking away from the disappointment or trauma? You may think, I was too young when I married and didn’t understand what I was doing. That’s probably true for most marriages. Some of us spend more time researching the purchase of our next car or washing machine than we do a marriage partner. Or worse yet, we equate finding a spouse with purchasing a product that has a limited lifespan. We reason—cars wear out, get old, and become obsolete. So why should we expect a spouse to be any different? Of course a person is more than a commodity or product. When we purchase a new washing machine we don’t promise to “have, hold, and cherish it till death do us part.” With marriage we make a pledge to God and our friends to do the hard work to create a compatible life with another person. The problem is our culture has so romanticized marriage that it becomes a seemingly insurmountable task.
We Don't Marry the Person We Love
I’ve come to believe we don’t marry the person we love, because what do we know about love when we’re young adults? We know a little about romance, but that’s not love.
In truth, we don’t marry the person we love, but must learn to love the person we marry. Marriage is the act of choosing who we want to learn about love with. It’s like choosing a lab partner. We’re going to learn all this stuff together in the laboratory of life over the next 50-60 years. Marriage is saying, “I choose to do that with you.”
What are the 7 reason people regret their divorce?
1). Sometimes, the emotional upheaval of the divorce far exceeds what people might expect
2). The effects of divorce on children
3). The financial consequences of divorce
4). Additional failed relationships
5). Loneliness
6). Some people regret the divorce when they face the [stigma], rejection, or judgment of friends and family.
7). How the decision was made
While this essay isn’t about divorce or on how you should or shouldn’t feel about your divorce (if you are a divorcee), or the reasons surrounding your decision, it underscores the hard work that’s involved in staying married and in being divorced. It’s all work, which reminds us that anyway we look at it, life is hard.
Giving Our Affections
Two notable betrayals are depicted in Scripture involving Peter and Judas.
Peter deserted Jesus in the hour of his greatest need, and Judas helped facilitate the trauma that brought about the hour of Jesus’ greatest need. They both proved to be unfaithful to Jesus and his mission.
Peter’s betrayal resulted in him dying to himself and being fully converted to God, whereas Judas’ betrayal resulted in him dying to himself and the world. They both died to themselves, but Peter’s death was redemptive. Judas’ was not.
Both men had access to Jesus, followed him, witnessed his miracles—including the resurrection of Lazarus. Both wanted Jesus to establish an earthly kingdom with political power. And both were disappointed when Jesus died a premature and violent death. Actually Judas died before Jesus. But why were the outcomes for Peter and Judas so different?
I believe the difference was that Peter gave Jesus his affections, but Judas did not. Peter loved Jesus with his heart and his head, while Judas only loved him with his head.
Peter was far from perfect in his love for Christ—he denied even knowing him (three times) on the night Jesus was apprehended and led away. But Peter’s affections were with Jesus, and he couldn’t stay away. He followed him to the courtyard and to the various venues they took him to. Peter put on a gruff exterior as he witnessed what the soldiers and priests did to Jesus, but inside he wept because he loved him.
“The Bible Daily,” a blog that comments on various Scripture stories, says this about Judas and Peter’s betrayals.
”The stories of Judas and Peter illustrate that while all humans are capable of betrayal, the path to redemption is open to those who turn to Jesus in faith and repentance. The lesson is clear: Jesus is Lord, ready to forgive and guide us through our struggles if we come to Him with a sincere heart.”
We are literally a planet of betrayers. It is so much easier to follow after our own way than to walk in the ways of Jesus (Isaiah 53:6). But thankfully we are not hopelessly alienated.
In Hebrews 7:25, Paul’s, “He is able to save to the uttermost those who draw near to God through him, since he always lives to make intercession for them.” (ESV). To the “uttermost” means to the extreme and to the point where everyone else gives up and says it's hopeless or beyond help. Thankfully the word “hopeless” isn't included in heaven's vocabulary.
Rich DuBose writes from Northern California. Photo by Antoni Shkraba Studio, with Pexels.
*7 Reasons People Regret Divorce, by Ann Gold Buscho Ph.D, Psychology Today, July 5, 2023,
The Bible Daily Blog, copyrighted 2020 by NBC News
On the web at: richdubose.com. All Rights Reserved © 2025. Join me on Blue Sky @spiritrenew.bsky.social.
“Scripture quotations are from The ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.”